Mayjuhly E Po.

Originally posted on my blogger account…posted on May 8th, 2010.Alas, it’s one of those things that with the technology driven world of relationships, is bound to happen every now and then: Being defriended on facebook. Nowadays it seems that this hurts more than the actual physical separation that occurs when a relationship ends. Friendships are cut, status updates disappear, links to pictures you’re both tagged in are severed, comments and love notes you’ve written on each other’s walls are erased, along with any other post/poke/message you’ve sent one another. The question is, why do we let these internet exchanges bother us so much and what’s more, how did we become a nation of taking out our pain via the web?
I’ve said this for months now, but with the invention of social networking sites, chatting via gmail, texting and so on, it’s my opinion that are society has gained great connection tools and at the same time lost part of its humanity. How often do you actually call friends or family to talk on the phone anymore? When was the last time you had a conversation with a friend from years past that didn’t happen on fb chat? Have you sent condolences of a family members passing via text instead of calling and leaving a voicemail? Have you had serious conversations only via text message or some sort of chat interface? If you’ve answered any of these questions with, “I can’t remember the last time when…” or “Yes, I have”, then I’m afriad you’ve been touched by this increasingly common epidemic. I have too.
My biggest fear is that, as we continue to move forward with innovations in technology and as people further their use of electronic devices to build and break relationships, how can we ever recover from this technological driven momentum? I think the first step to counteract this issue is recognizing that this may be commonplace in our own lives. I know it is in mine. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve texted friends to check up on them instead of actually calling them and leaving a message. This is an issue that I’m actively trying to fight in my own life all of the time.This leads me to my point: How can we ever have clean breaks and the possibility of re-building relationships if all you do is send mixed messages via the web? Things used to be so different (LingOL as I describe how things used to be…I’m only 27)…you would actually have to call someone to communicate, pass a hand written note through friends to reach your loved one, take a leap of faith and just show up at their house to express how you feel. Nowadays, mixed signals and tones of voice are routinely miscommunicated which often times leads to arguments and/or obsessive thoughts about what was meant by that and varied “WTF?!” moments. Is this just the way of the future or is it a turning point within ourselves to really make a decision about how we’ll each move forward to combat these situations…I’d like to think we, including myself, can do it for our own sakes and regain a bit of humanity we’ve seemed to have lost along the way. Easier said than done…indeed. So is it the ultimate revenge to cut somebody out of your digital life or a saving grace to save you from the pain of what you may or may not see about one another…I’m going to say both.

Originally posted on my blogger account…posted May 7th, 2010.As I mentioned before, I’ve been through some dark days this past month and every day I wake not quite knowing how I’ll feel. This morning, for example, started out fairly ambiguous.
A raging thunderstorm was making its presence known throughout the Chicagoland area, dumping rain onto the rooftops and waking many from their early morning slumber. As a weather freak, I love me some thunderstorms. As a child, I was initially terrified of severe weather but after seeing the movie “Twister” about a dozen times, that fear turned into fascination and eventually a stint as an amateur stormchaser. This morning, however, the thunderstorm represented a feeling I’ve been feeling for awhile now. I knew there was no way I would be able to shake this feeling, so I let it consume me. As I woke up and tried to motivate myself to hop in the shower to get ready for work, I just stared out the window. Initially, I just watched the lightning and waited for its clap…watched the rain drops soak everything in sight…watched the overflowing gutters gush water onto the rooftops and sidewalks. This enjoyment was short lived however, as I realized that on my “To Do” still sat without a crossed out mark, “Buy umbrella”.
As I was finishing getting ready, I looked outside to see it was still heavily raining. I began to mentally prepare myself for the rainy shitshow I would no doubt face as I hauled myself to the nearest Walgreen’s to buy a cheap umbrella. I grabbed my iPod, threw on my hood and dashed to the store, getting soaked in the process. After grabbing a quick coffee and unleashing my new umbrella in all of its plastic glory, I again hauled myself down Belmont, braving the gale force winds of Lake Michigan and the pelting of horizontal rain. My freshly showered body and face were now a sweaty, dripping mess…my hair (which I thought looked really good!) was wet and being crushed by my increasingly soaking hoody and I could feel my jeans sticking to my legs with every step. I soon realized, that the winds had within 5 minutes of its use, already broken one of the metal supports used to keep the umbrella upright, therefore, weakening one side so much that my glasses now resembled a car’s rain splattered windsheild. As I waited for the #146 on Lake Shore along with the other rain soaked pedestrians, I realized that this morning had not turned out at all the way I thought it was going to. And what’s more, is that for all of the work that I had just done (running to Walgreen’s, buying an umbrella and clumsily making my way to the bus all the while getting soaked in the process) the bus ride to work was nothing but a scene of blue skies and sunshine. I couldn’t help buy ask myself, why did I just go through all of that trouble?I felt cheated by mother nature…I was confused and left to question why had this all happened if it was all going to be over as soon as I entered the bus. Why was I sitting there, soaking and sticky, while looking out the window to the lush, green foliage brightened by the clear blue sky and golden tinge of sunlight. I continued to listen to the sweet voice of Mandy Moore on my iPod as I began to feel melancholy and continued to ask the question of what did I just go through that for…It was at that point I realized, I was feeling more than just confusion about the weather…I was feeling confusion over my recent past. The feeling of being beaten by the weather was exactly how I was feeling over my failed relationship. How could something that started off so great, end up soaking me to the bone and leaving me melancholy and wondering, “What the fuck just happened?” I couldn’t help but wonder, what was this all for and furthermore, if it’s leaving me with this hollow feeling, why did it happen in the first place?
These are questions to which the answers I’m sure will continue to evade me… I suppose feelings like this are the repercussions of two people separating their lives…the loss of not only a part of yourself, but of the other person whom you cherished so much. Maybe the glimpse of blue sky and sunshine is a sign that things will get better after the storm, but if today’s weather is any indication, thunderstorms and gray skies are in the coming forecast…

This post was from my original blog on blogger.com that I originally posted on May 4th, 2010.

Current song on iTunes: The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony”

Do you ever have those moments when watching a movie or a television show when you end up wondering, “OMG! I would just die if I were ever in that situation!” Yeah, me too. Well, I’m here to tell you that you can survive and you too can live out your very own comedy/drama/action series right in your own reality!

My story comes right from the pages of “Sex and the City: The Movie”. Yes, I am a real life Carrie (er…Carl, Kevin, Carter?) Bradshaw. I dated and fell deeply in love with someone and decided to make the ultimate leap of faith and move-in together. It was Feb. 27th, 2010 when I took one long, last look at my white walled, ice cube of a box studio apartment and proceeded to move to an airy, 2-bedroom apartment with my hot hipster boyfriend. Flash forward to May 1, 2010 when I was taking a long, last look at my airy, 2-bedroom apartment and saying hello again to my white walled, ice cube of a box studio apartment…fml indeed.

Yep…in only 62 days, my life went from believing that I had found my Prince Charming to feeling as though I had just been punched in the stomach and with my last dying breath could muster the only word that came to my mind…”Bitch”. It took me one day after the dissolution of my relationship to realize that continuing to co-habitate would either drive me to a mental institution or an early grave. It only took me about 2 hours of Craigslist searching for another apartment to realize that I didn’t have the time (because of my 2 jobs) to go out and look at new places to live…thus, I made the phone call that I never, ever thought I’d make. I called my rental company to inquire if the apartment that I had feverishly (and after a few panicked and irate phone calls) tried to sublet a few months before, was still available. It was, and thus continues my 4-year long relationship with the box that I call home.

I wish I could say that it took me about 5 minutes to get over my year long relationship, but alas, this is not a movie…and I’m hurting…an upright, walking, normal looking person in pain. Daily, I look at the same dirty spot on my beige, worn out carpet where, on one of our many Melrose nights, he spilled his Sprite. I turn in bed to laugh about it with him to find myself rolling into a pile of books and t-shirts that have yet to be alphabetized and re-folded and put back on their shelves. I am alone now and every night am haunted by the memories of that first kiss, those hours spent watching Family Guy and those many nights holding onto what I thought was my future. Mayjuhly E Po meet Carrie Bradshaw.

I have been through some dark days in the past month…dark days I know will come to rear their ugly face again and again, until I somehow can move past the pain and embarrassment. But out of the pain, can only rise a better, stronger and wiser person, right?

Right! Like a Pheonix rising from the ashes, I take my first steps back into singletown and strive to move forward from this a better person! Hence, the creation of my very own blog!! I’ve never really ventured into the blogosphere, but in an attempt to divert my pain into something artistic, here I go! :-)

…I couldn’t help but wonder, would starting my own blog be the path to my emotional salvation?